That support was priceless to me in the early years after my son’s ASD diagnosis, because we had something in common: we all had similar concerns for our children who were exceptional in their needs. The comfort we could supply for one another bonded us, and gave us such relief from our daily lives often spent navigating relationships with well-meaning strangers, friends, and more often than you might expect, family who could fully understand or handle our children’s needs.
One topic made many rounds: to move or not to move. The UK? Italy? Canada? The USA? Would the streets be lined with gold for our babies? In 2017, I set out to find out. After twelve years abroad, I packed up my son flew off to warmer climes: Palm Beach County, Florida, where we had some family, in the country where I was born.
friends. At the same time I remember being so lonely at first. Conversations people would have around me just seemed so foreign… I had become used to life with international friends with worldly views and was having trouble finding that again.
1. County choice is everything. Location research should be very, very detailed in advance, avoiding assumptions about which options are available based on what you may have heard about different cities or states. Policies are constantly changing. For example, I’d read that New Jersey was the place to be, and within a month of moving to Palm Beach I met many (wealthy) families who had moved from New Jersey because their county proved hopeless. Issues that may not seem directly connected to the services your child needs, like tax rates, can play a bigger role in the quality and availability of services than you may realize.
2. In Florida, much like in France, in public schools, parents have little access to what actually happens behind closed doors in the classroom. Most schools, whether public, Catholic, or private don’t allow families to send their own private RBT/AVS, and few to none supply families with publicly funded ones.
3. A good medical insurance policy is key in the United States. If you will be working, I recommend finding a job before moving, and getting insurance lined up as well. Take the time to play the therapist field for a while before moving. Good therapists often have long waiting lists, so call around and get on waiting lists up to a year in advance of a move. Put your name on as many lists as possible and narrow down your choices after the move.
4. If you will be looking for behavioral therapy, keep in mind that while ABA is now often covered by insurance, there are drawbacks involved. When insurance companies are in charge, they get to rewrite many of the rules. I personally feel they have done considerable damage in the field of ABA, where insurance companies make rules around which areas of focus are permitted. For example, if a child requires from ABA for scholastic abilities, it may not be allowed. If a child has academic challenges at school, some ABA companies are not permitted to work on math or comprehension. In the state of Florida, social workers can “practice ABA” without actually becoming a BCBA, which means improper supervision. Many of the families I have met here think ABA is training robots, and I don’t blame them. Insufficient data, mentalistic ego-based approaches to diagnosis’, which seems to result in micromanaging families while in sessions, are things I’ve seen first hand. When it happened to us, I still had our BCBA from Washington DC for support and clarification. Quality of services vary, and it is imperative to find someone qualified, competent, and able to encourage and guide a child the right amount without encouraging further dependence. It remains up to parents to find professionals that know how to work with their child’s special needs. It was almost as difficult for me to find trained staff here in Palm Beach as it was in Paris just in different ways.
5. I was blown away by the number of families I met who are deeply invested in non-evidence-based therapies in the USA. Research therapies and trust your gut but think hard about separating the wheat from the chaff. Know that the costs involved with experimental alternatives can rival university fees and may still yield very little results.
6. Social media: Dive in! Explore every Facebook parent group and Instagram account. Read Google reviews, but begin a year in advance if possible because it takes that long to develop an ear for what’s real and what’s not. At the end of the day, you must go with your gut.
7. Occupational Therapy: I believe the availability and quality of OT in the USA wins hands-down. There is great occupational therapy available, and where ABA was failing us we more than made up in OT. For families who may spend time in the United States on summer vacation, there are wonderful summer programs available.
8. Acceptance. Such a lovely word, and yes, I find that in general people are more accepting and understanding here, which certainly relieves stress. On the other hand, I have many stories of putting my son in an “accepting” environment where he was not challenged to do things himself.
For example, I sacrifice 2-3 afternoons a week for my son to be in OT, learning to do things
himself. He learned how to open a ketchup packet, which challenged his sensitive fingertips. He needed to learn how to open milk cartons the old fashioned way because they still serve those at his school, so I drove to three grocery stores to find ones he could practice with. He almost mastered the skill, making him more socially integrated and more apt to make friends. Suddenly, he began to tell me he could no longer do it. When I brought cake to school on his birthday, I discovered why - his aide and the other children were doing things for him that he can do for himself. He went along with it, losing the opportunity to develop more independence.
One of the loveliest books I’ve read recently was Temple Grandin’s The Loving Push, which focuses on just that: pushing our children gently but firmly more and more toward independence and developing their self-confidence by setting them up to succeed, but to succeed on their own.
9. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. Even with great insurance, it is still possible to incur expenses that are beyond your wildest nightmares. Even with your adopted French wit about you, just the first trip to the dentist will blow your mind. Before making the final decision to move, ask yourself if it isn’t worth it to get video services from the USA first, or to plan really enriching summers well in advance at various conferences and therapy summer camps stateside. We had amazing results with this, and my expenses were far more reasonable than they have been post-move.
If life in France suits your family and brings you joy despite the drawbacks, know that you are in a country where there is more flexibility than you may realize. You reap what you sow. Figure out what battles are worth fighting and focus on creating a program that creates results for your child. When in a difficult situation our minds lock into a state of permanence, but difficult times are not forever. Try to envision where your child will be at age 2, 4, 8, 12, and so on. Slowly but surely is not a bad thing.
I was back in Paris recently for a vacation and we had a marvelous time despite the “canicule”. On one hot bus ride, we encountered a “mal élevé” moment with a French woman who put on quite a fuss about how my son had spoken to me. (Thank goodness she was there to defend me against my jetlagged, overheated and seemingly outrageously behaved 9 year old who dared to blurt out that he wanted off the bus NOW because it was so hot, sans politesse.) But I found myself viewing the situation from a different perspective.
I remembered my fear of the unknown future, and how I used to defend my child in previous similar moments. I felt sorry for her and her small-minded and overreactive response. Then, I imagined a group of NY firefighters throwing her off the bus for her lack of “acceptance”. I realized if I could go back to living in Paris, I wouldn’t spend a minute more fighting small injustice directly. I would trust in my child, read books, stay vigilant to our needs and leave the outside world to fuss by themselves.
We would try to lead by example but not an iron fist and just like I do now in America, I would move forward, slowly but surely.
American-born Valerie Beatson resided in Paris from 2006-2017. A professional opera singer for many years, she is the proud mamma to one son, and KidJam: a bilingual music and movement school bringing various musical and language activities to an inclusivity-focused classroom. Her son was diagnosed with ASD at 18 months in Paris, and they’ve been honing that superpower together ever since. In 2017 they returned to America, moving to Palm Beach County, where Valerie continues to teach, and is currently working on her certification in A.B.A. as an R.B.T., and as an ABM Neuromovement Practitioner (Anat Baniel Method). www.musicalmindandbody.com
Our Stories is a collection of personal essays written by members of EKIPP about their personal experiences. The opinions and claims in the stories are those of the authors alone.